Freakin' Awright!

The Dock is surely smiling down from his number 9 cloud this week. The bestest, baddest pitcher this side of Danny G. won the Cy Young again. Tim Lincecum joined the immortals with his second straight award for the league's best hurler. Only undeniable legends like the Big Unit, the Rocket and Sandy have won back-to-back. None have done it as young as the 25 year old Giant.
A little online chatter has emerged about his low win total, but I don't see how you argue against the purest measure of a pitcher: strikeouts. Timmy led the league again in K's and the best hitters in the league have nothing but admiration when they talk about facing him. Win total has changed in baseball as a measure of greatness. How often have you heard that there will never be a thirty game winner again in today's game? Wins are doubly hard to come by playing for the lowly Giants who forgot to develop hitters when they developed a co-dependency with BALCO.
A few of us Lincecum fans worried that he would be denied acknowledgment after recent dalliances. But in a Phelpsian turn of events, he still got the Cy. Hey, it's easy to understand that Tim may have thought it was required to have a little Mother Nature when crossing from Oregon into Washington. The voters have decided that times have changed and Lincecum is a likeable, normal guy.
Shown here with a mess of fish, Lincecum bows to Jojo the king of fishing strikeouts, and exhibits a humanness that can only help a sport wrought with pricks like 7 time Cy Young winner Roger Clemens.
Known alternately as the "Franchise" and the "Freak," Linceum probably narrowed the nickname pool with his Halloween eve hijinks. Sports apologists say his freakish delivery is the reason for his moniker. I think that the Washington State Patrol confirmed that it is more likely his nickname identifies him as the fourth, long lost, Fabulous Furry Freak Brother.

Congrats, Freak. Your GM Brian Sabean probably summed up the last couple weeks the best when he said.“I don’t know if we ever grow up, as people, as professionals,” Sabean said. “It’s a process. I don’t know if he’s any different from any young guy trying to make a name for himself, make a living. Obviously the stakes are higher when you’re Tim Lincecum.”
This blogger only wonders what might have been if the Freak had signed out of high school when the Cubs drafted him. Could he have put the goat out to pasture?

Playing for the Geezers

Chris Chelios and the Chicago Wolves are barnstorming Texas, giving thrills and chills to the oldsters. Of course those just might be more of the arthritic agony of winter.
Chelios has played 25 NHL seasons. He has 3 rings and more facial scars than a Dinka warrior. Search "Chelios" on youtube, and you'll find fight videos spanning 3 decades.
Currently, Cheli is playing in the AHL for the Chicago Wolves, his hometown minor league club. Before the game in Austin last night Ruben and I debated whether the teams travel between Texas and Chi-town by bus a la Semi-Pro. This guy plays because he loves hockey and relishes his daily smackdown of father time.
In the recent years, Mick Jaggar and Chris Chelios have both played the ATX for the first time ever. Both never age and play for the love of the game. They also serve as reminders to all of us that age is what you make of it. It appears Cheli plans on playing into his 50's and breaking Gordie Howe's record. As long as Chris Chelios is playing hockey, none of us will never be old. Hell, even Cheli looks like a kid compared to Austin College Kangaroo placekicker Tom Thompson. Chris Chelios also gets immortality points on this blog for his uncompromising defense of not just the crease, but also the workers.

Condor to be released back into wild

Jack "Condor" Lupori will return to the links this week after a brief hiatus.
Lupori, a North Park, Colorado native transplanted earlier this year to Mr. Haney's Golf Academy in South Carolina. Coming from his home courses of Catamount and Haymaker in the rarified air of the Rockies, the "Condor" had some difficulty adjusting to the snake infested swamp courses of backwater USA. The game of golf is a little different in the South, and being away from the adoration of the mountain girls had the young looper hitting his balls off in every direction the first few weeks of the season.
Luckily, Lupori was suspended after Academy authorities discovered a secret room, replete with cocktail waitresses and go-karts, that Lupori and roomate Hugh Jorgen had built behind a bookcase in their dormitory.
The suspension allowed Lupori to work on his swing with headmaster Haney, known for correcting Tiger Woods swing after he discovered girls. After a stellar hockey career, leading the Steamboat Willies to multiple tournament victories, Lupori encountered the same trouble Happy Gilmore did transitioning to the stationary nature of golf. In addition, Colorado golfers use a brown ball so it is easier to find in the snow and the Condor ran into numerous unpleasant episodes chipping alligator turds from bunkers.
Things seem to be in order now and Lupori returns to action just in time for the Open on November 6th. Follow his progress here, and watch as the Condor soars, dropping birdies from the sky.

Chump Extraordinaire

Bears fans grew to loathe Cedric Benson and his lackluster performance after being drafted fourth overall ahead of excellent players like DeMarcus Ware and Aaron Rodgers. After being charged with 2 DUIs in less than a month's time, we were happy that Bears management saw fit to cut his lame ass.
Since then, some Bears fans have been having pangs of regret as Benson has been able to fall forward for a few yards this season after catching on with the Bengals after Chris Perry's injury.
Fear not Bears fans. Even though Cedric escaped punishment for his drunken Escalade escapades with the help of Joe Turner, who has gotten numerous Texas exes out of trouble, as well as sundry douchebags, he remains a chump. I am convinced that this in combination with the generally inhospitable climate in Cinci will add up to a midseason flameout.
My biggest beef with Benson is how he handled things in Austin. When he got in trouble he promised to give Austin kids winter coats as an act of contrition. After Turner got him off the hook and Perry got hurt, Benson fled the Live Music Capital and never looked back. And never gave the kids the coats. I know this first hand, as one of those kids comes to my house everyday after school.
When I was in fifth grade, and had Sweetness done this, I would have been heartbroken. I doubt that I would be the football fan I am today. I know for sure I will never be a Cedric Benson fan.

A record that will never be broken

Here's some video of Eddie Gaven setting the MLS record for the youngest player to score a goal. Gaven goes in as a keeper, making him the youngest goalkeeper in MLS history. He then switches jerseys and quickly scores.


The league, pressured by complaining soccer folk, (Soccer folk complaining? Say it ain't so.) changed the substitution rule for keepers. This likely means that Gaven's record may stand forever.
At the time, Eddie Gaven was the ballyhooed star on a hapless New York Metro Stars team. The team sold jerseys and posters emblazoned with Gaven's name. At the time he was the youngest player named to the All-Star team. He's since been traded to the Columbus Crew, who won last years MLS Cup and are poised to repeat. Gaven plays a supporting role. This begs the age old question: would you rather be the best player on a bad team, or an ordinary player on the best team?
Adding insult to injury, a lot of us believe Gaven is blocked from any World Cup action by the coach's son who plays his same position. Or maybe we should say adding incentive to injury.

betzy

How do you follow perfection? First keep it up there all summer. How's that for an excuse for not blogging all summer? Then follow with pictures of beautiful women. Betzy Jiminez trains near where I work and has been spotted recently, so it must be cross country season. Watching her run is a treat that everyone should get to enjoy but few do because of the obscurity of cross country. There are a few other Texas women athletes who will be stars, but others will write about them.
Betzy may never get the recognition she deserves, but she is the real deal. She's a natural. Originally a volleyball player, she's only been running for a few years and is already a top NCAA athlete.
I truly believe that Title IX has everything to do with her ability to compete and go to school and most importantly, break up the day, and inject a bit of joy into the robotic machinations of this working stiff. Title IX also helps women where other programs fail.
Please do not read perhaps the most chauvinistic article ever written in opposition to Title IX. If this article had any evidential merit, I might argue with is idiot, but someone might be listening. Did Clay's sisters used to beat him up everyday? What kind of an ass would object to the positive contributions Title IX has made to our sports world? What kind of misogynist doesn't like the beauty and grace that women have added to sports that if nothing else at least offsets the ugliness and corruption that permeates men's sports? A guy who thinks MIT has one of the biggest sports programs I guess.
I can't explain or defend this douchebag, but I will say that a lot of us feel quite the opposite.

Gaven Perfects Superstition

Astros pitcher Dan Gaven, of Arlington, Virginia, whose Dominican birth certificate says is 11, needed only 75 pitches last Monday to strike out 13 Cubs and record only the second known perfect game in at least three decades according to Scott Ginsberg, an Arlington Little league veteran of nearly 30 years. Noted historian, Ricky Roellke, also the Astros first baseman said, "the last time this astounding feat happened in Arlington Little League was back in the 70's or 60's."

"I use my single windup, my double windup, my triple windup, my hesitation windup, my no windup. I also use my step-n-pitch-it, my submariner, my sidearmer and my bat dodger. Man's got to do what he's got to do."
-Leroy "Satchel" Paige


Gaven, shown here training an orphaned parrot to throw the high heat, had the added pressure of powerful superstition. An exuberant Roelke tempted fate by talking about the no-hitter in defiance of the most famous superstition in baseball when he mentioned it to Danny after he retired the first two batters that he had a perfect game going. Seventy-some pitches later he realized that it could actually happen. Roelke, ever the optimist, coincidentally set the record for "earliest talking about the no-hitter."
Gaven divined the spirits of both Don Larsen, and the great Satchel Paige saying, "I was just trying to get guys out and throw strikes. I am just happy that we won,"demurring " I had awesome defense behind me too.”
Cathy Gaven, the hurler's mom, normally subdued, acknowledged Gaven's mound mastery saying the perfect game was "a big feat, [it's] even bigger since they instituted a pitch count."
Superstition black belt, and team manager, Matt Kasztenja almost made the no-no superstition a self-fulfilling prophecy admitting "I almost pulled him in the fourth to save him for the next game," instead opting to let Gaven continue his unlikely pursuit of perfection. Gaven went perfect and the Cubs lost yet again.
When news reached Kenya earlier today the locals are reported to have exclaimed, "that's so cool" and"absolutely adorable!"

Bam Bam from 48.....It's Goooood!

Steve McMichael made it to the hall! Not THE hall, but close. He will be in the College Football Hall of Fame class of 2009.
Mongo joins others in this hall which seems to represent greats who may never make the real hall. In many ways it is fitting for a great player that thrilled Bears and Longhorn fans for years. He actually holds the games played record for the Bears, which is noteworthy considering the teams long history and the brutal position he played. He was a working man's player who showed up every day and kicked ass from the shadows of Dent and Hampton. He had more sacks than Hampton.
Known as Bam Bam at UT, he said his greatest thrill was kicking a 48 yard field goal! A guy like this never wants to come off the field. Bam Bam was 6 of 7 kicking and backed up perhaps the greatest Longhorn kicker and world's worst currency trader, Russell Erxleben.
Mongo went on to entertain us in pro wrestling and maybe the most famous singing of TMOTTB, except maybe Jim Belushi. Or this one, or this one.
Mongo also gives a shit about the worker as evidenced by this video, and that's why he's in my personal hall of fame. That and I saw him one time at a Bobcat Goldthwaite show.

There's that number again

My pick for the best value in this years draft: Shonn Green
He impressed me more than anyone else all year. I believe he will be great. The Bears could take him and trade Matt Forte for a great receiver. Improbable, but smart if he's still available at 49.

UPDATE: The Bears did me one better by trading this pick for 2 later picks, scoring a badass receiver Juaquin Iglesias, (ordinarily I wouldn't rave about a Sooner, but he punked the Horns last year and he's from Central Texas-all their good players are from Texas.) and Henry Melton a project who had a fantastic learning curve with the Horns.

The First Jordyn

My personal definition of greatness is when they change the rules to stifle a star. Tiger-proofing of golf courses and the no dunking era in NCAA basketball are two of the best examples. Further, Michael Jordan's greatness is paramount in that the kids who were named after him are beginning to emerge in the press. I'm sure the name Jordan and it's derivatives have climbed the name popularity charts throughout the nineties and aughts. The following story is fun for what it says about cheerleading and "spirit" organizations. The image of Jordyn Brown shotputting cheerleaders is one for the ages. More so, I think perhaps she is so great she has forced me to expand the definition:

From pom-poms to shot put
Brown planned on cheering in college but has found place on team

Chris Tavarez
Daily Texan Staff
Published: Friday, April 10, 2009

Unconventional. Unorthodox. Weird.

In the words of head track coach Beverly Kearney, “she came in unusual to begin with.”
These are just a few of the many statements used to describe junior thrower Jordyn Brown’s rise to All-American status.
Of all the athletes competing in the NCAA, only a select few are fortunate enough to become All-Americans, though most enter with attaining the status as one of their main goals. Unless that athlete is Brown.
Her unusual rise to the top of track and field almost never happened
When she was growing up, her first love was cheerleading. Instead of throwing the shot put, she grew up throwing other girls in cheer routines.
rest of story

I think Jordyn Brown will be great. They may not change the rules in the putter's circle, but the rules about the way women's shotput is covered by the media can't help but change after the first time she does a celebrarory backflip after a record throw. Youtubers be ready!

Bear Down!

I know I was pushing for Michael Vick. He's going to be better than ever after he shakes off the rust and settles in Oakland. That was before I knew Jay Cutler would be available.
This deal is the greatest score for the Bears. Ever.
Cutler is being painted by Bronco management as a Ryan Leaf style malcontent. I was skeptical at first too, but this quote from a Bronco fan says it all to me:
“I don’t understand why he’d go to a press conference wearing a hoodie,” Mendelsberg said of McDaniels. “Jay Cutler showed up at his press conference (in Chicago) looking nice. He looked like he had a makeover—nice suit, nice tie, nice haircut. He even laughed. I’d never seen him laugh. It’s like he had a new lease on life.”
The Broncos have an effing ass for a coach. Immature would be the word they'd use if he was a player. (read worker)
This is the corporate world moronified. Managers are almost always failures who have ascended because as T.L. used to say, "it's not who you know, it's who you blow."
Chicago is lucky to have the quarterback they have never had in our lifetime.
To top it off they got the left tackle to go with him, Orlando Pace. Am I dreaming? Smart moves to give the defense, which is in its prime, a shot at the ring.
Now stand back managers, and let the workers work.

Phelpsian

A new word. A new hero to alt-sports-fans.
I am going to have to be the one to break this news. Michael Phelps is lying. The reason he admitted to hitting the bong is that it is much more acceptable than the real truth.
The photo in question actually is of Phelps drinking the bong water!
Could you imagine if Phelps was exposed as "that guy?"
It is much safer for his career, and for society to be Spicoli than the guy from WIU we used to call "Dynamo."
Phelps should be a hero to a lot of us that feel the drug war is a hypocritical waste of our tax dollars.
If one can smoke weed and become the greatest, or the president, then someday it will be normal.
Because of Phelps, maybe that someday will be in our lifetime.
Long live Dock Ellis!

Wore My 44 So Long

Been thinking about 44 a lot of late.
Everyone seems to be saying this 44th president is history. I concur.
I credit Bush for me even knowing what number we're on, with him and his son's 41-43 banter. I sure didn't know what number Clinton was. I know he has a curved dick.
So as the week's festivities reminded me of 44, my ponderance turned to what every sports fan does - who wore 44?
Hank Aaron and Pistol Pete. Any others were lower tier who I'd have to double check to make sure.
Pistol Pete and Barry O'Bomber with the smokes and everything is curious, but I think it's Hammerin' Hank who offers an interesting sports context for our new prez.
Humble and soft spoken describe both and steady determination would probably also synopsize their styles.
I also truly believe that the two have similar racial awarenesses that prescribe critic silencing production combined with unwavering pride.
At Obama's relative young age it will be interesting to see if he replicates Henry Aaron's undeniable longevity.
I think what hits me the most though is that unforgettable picture of the two Disco-era white boys who ran the bases with Aaron when he hit 715. A timeless slice of Americana and more importantly a poignant statement about how greatness renders most of us colorblind.
It was in the end a meaningless stunt, but it will always be imprinted in our brains and in a way paved the road for Obama's unlikely ascension.

The next MJ

If you don't regularly ponder who the next Michael Jordan will be, it probably means you are so young that your computer settings will filter the shit that is this blog.
Jordan's transcendence is proved when he inspires a slug like me to even attempt a blog.
Can you watch NBA highlights without trying to spot the next great?
Today's highlights included the four princes since His Airness' abdication.
Kobe may go by a Madonna-like solo moniker, but he's done. No MJ. Never. Easy one.
That brings us to D. Wade. He's got the overall skill set, but is he the next once-in-a-generation great like Oscar Robertson, Dr. J and Jordan? Yes and no. He's the big O. Flashy greatness within the NBA sphere, but probably not a culture shifting icon a la Erving and Jordan.
Kevin Durant is awesome and probably the most promising current NBA player. He is a player who can bring a team championships in the sport where one player makes the most difference. His deftness however is his weakness in a weird way. His moves are subtle, in a way we haven't seen since Larry Bird. His highlight clip was a pass!?!? But like Bird he's on a second deitifical tier because of his spotlight deference. He could get better and better, but stuck in OKC, he'll likely never be the next Michael Jordan, if only because of the mind-numbing nothingness that all of Oklahoma represents.
Derek Rose made the list only today. His windmilly-amongst-the-trees-3-the-old-fashioned-way layup was killer, and his solid start has Bulls fans giddy, but alas he's the wrong size to be the next Mike.
So who is it? Is he in college still, languishing in the minors under the anti-trust thumb of the NBA's 1 yr. probation? No. If there was a 17 year old phenom of notable caliber he'd be wisest to go to the powderpuff leagues of Europe and start cashing in.
I'm sure the Bush family style sleaze (Reggie or Prescott - take your pick) has scoured the high school ranks, so he (or she for that matter) hasn't emerged there.
It's quite possible the next MJ has been discovered in fifth grade by that cultural drift net that is YouTube.
Check out Jashaun Agosto. Is he the next Michael Jordan? You decide, ye American Idol audience.